What will we do now? By Nicole   

*Disclaimer - I do not own Outlaw Star

            Melfina’s mind rang with the unbelievable truth. Was she really dead? Was she really gone? No! Hilda couldn’t have died! Not in that burning star. No, like that! It couldn’t be; just couldn’t be. She was an outlaw, a fighter, she knew how to survive. She should have survived! She had to!

Melfina bit her lower lip painfully as unexplainable tears filled her brown eyes. Automatically she lowered her head in a violent motion, causing her hair to float around her face like dark waves of ebony that enveloped everything. She was in her pod on the deck of the ship, connected to the ship itself, with water all about her. That same water washed away any evidence of her tears. Outside her pod she saw Gene and Jim in their pilot sets, their faces drawn and sad. They did not look back at her.

            Hilda was gone. Hilda had died. Melfina wanted to scream suddenly. Even though she was an android she could still feel an unspeakable pain the seemed to eat away at her heart all of a sudden. She had never felt this emotion before, in fact she had never felt any sort of emotion period. Where had it come from? This was the first time she had ever remembered being alive.  Hilda had been the one who saved her from her sad life-a life she led asleep in a suitcase-type casement. Hilda was the one who promised to tell her all she knew about her. Hilda was the one who promised to find out anything she could find about her. Hilda knew what the Leyline was, its location, the complete workings of their unnamed ship, about the pirates, about her. Now she was gone! What was Melfina to do now? Continue to live with nothing about her past, where she came from? Hilda was her one hope to discover who she was.

            But she didn’t want to think about that. Hilda was her friend. A true and caring friend. Of course she was rough in her ways but she was truly very gentle on the inside. Melfina could sense that even though she did not say so. Now that Hilda was dead she didn’t know what to do. There was a strong inclination to cry but she never had done that before. How in the world can humans manage to have liquid flow from their eyes so freely? Was there magic involved? She only knew that you had to be very sad for it to happen. Was she sad? Was she angry? Without word or motion the tears came and Melfina felt so weak. So weary like she hadn’t sleep in days. However she felt no magic flow within her just pain, unbearable pain. If that what it took for the tears to come then Melfina never wanted to cry again.

She heard Gene say that the ship’s name was now the Outlaw Star in an angry shout, full of determination. He named the ship after Hilda, the dangerous outlaw, and that fiery nova she died in. Then she heard him tell their ship, Gilliam, their destination. Melfina bit her lip again. In her state she couldn’t navigate the ship properly, couldn’t carry the heavy task of seeing the entire movements of the ship within her head with the pain that filled her every senses. She quickly unfolded her arms that covered her bare chest and slammed the palms of her hands against the clear glass of the tube.

            “Gilliam! Let me out!” she cried out. The water surrounding her muffled her frantic voice. “Let me out please!”

            She couldn’t breath suddenly. Everything was closing in on her, making her feel trapped and scared. Her heart raced now and soon a cold feeling of hysteria overtook her. She withered within her pod, her tears caught in the swishing water. She had to get out. It was suddenly to cramped to be inside the pod now and she couldn’t breath. Why wasn’t Gilliam let her out? What was he doing?

            “Gilliam! Please!”

            “Melfina.” His calm voice sounded within her head suddenly. “Without you in the navigation pod we are unable to move.”

            “I don’t care!” she screamed at him, her delirium reaching her voice. “Let me out! Let me out now! Please. Only for a few minutes!”

            “Gilliam!” It was Gene. Now standing and yelling at the ship with concern and anger in his voice. “Let her out damn it! Look at her, she is freaking out.”

            “I’m sorry.” The ship sounded as though he had a doubt take of the naked girl who suddenly appeared to be a frightened rabbit within the clear water-filled pod. “It was my fault. I will unconnect you from the ship now and get you out of the vessel. You will be out in a moment, Melfina. Try to relax.”

Trying to be obedient, Melfina squeezed her eyes shut tightly and held her breath. She tried to calm herself, knowing that she would be freed any moment, but every second seemed to pass like an hour. Everything was closing in on her again and she couldn’t help but wonder if she would ever get out. She felt so faint and warm. She just wanted to go to sleep; to curl up into a little ball and fall into a black, timeless void. To forget the pain. To forget Hilda’s death. To forget everything. Maybe she was better of in the dark casement. It hurt too much. She couldn’t handle it all.

Before she knew it her pod was lowered into the floor of the ship and the water receded with a great sound of murmuring back to where it first originated, from under the deck of the ship in large tubes. The familiar noises pounded against her skull and she gritted her teeth together so that she could endure the tumultuous sound. When the water was gone, she was disconnected. Without any support of the ship she, trembling, slid to her knees and bowed, crossing her arms over her breasts. Her head hung low and her dry hair covered her face. She was shaking all over and felt very cold and sick. She could barely stand and she felt so cold. Dead. 

Somehow her clothes were on her-a white shirt with sleeves and a collar and a small black skirt with suspenders. Then she looked up and realized, for the first time, she was free. She scrambled up the metal ladder, away from the cold ground floor of the pod, and tossed the heavy door of it open with all her rickety might. Still not as strong as she would like to be, she all but climbed out of the pod to flop helplessly down on the deck, her long slender legs tucked beneath her thighs, palms on the ground before her, head lowered. She took several deep breaths of the refreshing air but did not look up.

“Mel!” It was Gene once more. Why did he sound so concerned? There was a large warm hand on her shoulder and she could sense that someone was leaning over her. “Mel, are you all right? Mel!”

“I’m sorry,” she murmured after a moment, a deep blush coming to her cheeks. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m fine now. I can navigate the ship if you want me to. I can handle it.”

“No. Gilliam will look after it,” Gene told her, his voice hard. Commanding. “I don’t want to put a strain on you. You need to rest. We all do.”

“I’m fine, Gene. Really,” Melfina interrupted, taking the risk to look up at him. “Just a little dizzy in there. It can seem so small in there sometimes that I get sick….” She knew that he didn’t buy her excuse by his frown. Melfina looked away again, biting her lower lip anxiously.

“Come on,” he told her, grabbing her arm and forcing her to stand. “I’ll take you to your room.”

Melfina hadn’t noticed how feeble she really was and she fell into Gene’s arms without a warning. Her legs didn’t seem to hold her up her at all. They felt like jelly to be perfectly honest. He caught her easily without a word and had her lean against him for support. But not being use to this feeling, she was a little tense but stayed in his arms nonetheless.

“Gone on you two,” Jim said from his seat. “Gilliam and I will take care of the ship’s navigation. I hope you feel better, Mel. Sorry we pushed you so hard.”

“It’s all right, Jim,” she said but she doubt he had heard her. She was walkway through the door of the deck by then with Gene leading the way to her room.

They walked through the hall of the ship in silence. Melfina quickly grew uncomfortable about everything and looked away. She was being selfish. Gene was probably grieving over her death too. They had been so close. Melfina had no right to impose her problems upon him.

“You don’t have to walk me to my room, Gene,” Melfina said softly to the floor as she stopped walking. “You can go back to the deck if you want. I will me fine by myself.”

“No way.” He didn’t leave her. “I saw you freak out in your pod and I’m going to make sure you get some rest. By the way in your state you probably can’t even walk by yourself to get to your room.”

Melfina blushed and looked down at her shoes. She was trying to be courteous. Why wouldn’t he let her?

“I’m fine really, Gene.” With a smile plastered on her lips she glanced up at him, hoping that her false mask would fool him. But she had underestimated him. Gene could see right through her vizar and frowned. He didn’t like being lied too.

Melfina looked away from his hard stare and tried to hide behind a wall of her hair. “I told want to trouble you, Gene,” she told him in a gentle whisper.

“What? Trouble me?” Gene looked confused for a moment. “Man, what is with you, Mel? You are far too sensitive. You better learn soon to get some guts or space will eat you alive.”

Melfina bit her lower lip and blinked away her tears. And if you are to strong, space will kill you, she told herself. Where do you fall Gene Starwind?

“Hey.” Gene tugged at her arm. His voice was gentle and kind now. “Come on. You need rest.”

Melfina looked at him, her face blank. But she silently bowed her head and gave in, letting Gene lead the way to her room. It was a hopeless battle anyway. Gene was far too stubborn and resolved to lose. He would have his way no matter what she said to him to postpone his plans.

They walked the length of the hallway, the silence thick. Melfina managed to steal several glimpses at him without his knowing. Curious she wondered if he too was feeling what she felt inside-about Hilda’s death. Already it felt has though hours had passed since the outlaw fell into that horrible star. Maybe he could help her with her emotions, tell her that what she was feeling was all right, that it was only a part of living, of being human. But she wasn’t human. Why in the world could she feel these emotions?

“Gene?” Melfina asked gently, her voice hanging in the hair like a hesitant echo of a bell.

“Yeah?” He didn’t turn around to see her, but lowered his eyes instead. Caught off guard he sounded very worn and sad. Melfina was wondering what she was going was right. Was it right to ask his how he felt so soon?

“Um…It’s nothing really,” she quickly replied. “Forget it please.”

They had made it to her room, a small square room that was large enough for a comfy bed and a closet with a sliding metal door that would open invitingly whenever someone stood in front of it.

Gene looked down at her. Hard. They stopped in front of the door, which now stood open as predicted. He didn’t move. “You can tell me, Mel,” he told her softly. “I sounded like you really had something on your mind a couple of minutes ago. What is it?”

Melfina grew uncomfortable and bit her raw lower lip, glancing momentarily into her familiar room.

“I was wondering…if what I’m feeling…is right…,”she said slowly.

“Huh? What do you mean about that?”

“Um…” Melfina grew disparate. She knew what to say but all the words sounded foolish or wrong to her once her lips spoke them. “I mean…I feel sad…and sick…. Is that all right? You know, about Hilda…I think I cried back there…I was wondering if that is… normal.”

Gene shrugged and gave a loud sigh, a look of totally exasperation washing over his face. He straightened up and said, “Of course it’s not all right.” His voice sounded a little to hard, to stony and cold. “People die all the time. It’s life. That’s how it works. People die leaving their friends and possessions behind. Friends mourn like it’s going to bring the person back. But it’s now use. When you’re dead your dead. That’s all. Being sad doesn’t change a damn thing, Melfina, remember that.”

Startled, Melfina stared up at Gene, tears suddenly rolling down her face. She did not expect such a heartless statement from him. “Gene, she was my friend too,” she told him. Her voice sounded too shaky to her.

He scoffed. “I don’t need her to be a friend anymore. She is gone, Melfina. She left us and that is all.”

“You can possibly mean that, Gene…. I….Oh never mind.” With sobs tightening up in her throat, Melfina rushed into her room and sunk into her bed, face down. Head in her pillow, she started to cry with mighty sobs of frustration and sorrow racking her slender shoulders. She was crying too hard to hear the door of her room swish open again to let in a visitor. She didn’t sense that someone was in her room until that same person sat on the edge of her bed and laid a hand on her back and gently began to massage her aching shoulders. She wasn’t startled. She knew it Gene. But what was he doing here? Did he want to say more pitiless things to her? He couldn’t really feel that way! Hilda couldn’t have meant so little to him.

“Melfina,” Gene whispered softly after her sobs had quietly subsided after a moment. “I made a mistake. I lied about that how thing. I feel the same way you do, about Hilda. I feel the rage, the sadness, the despair-mostly the sadness. But we can’t dwell in it. Hilda would have a heart attack if she saw you sobbing over her like this.”

“I miss her,” Melfina murmured in a hoarse voice into her damp pillow. “All ready I miss her.”

“I know.” Gene continued to rub her back. “So do I.”

A moment of silence.

“What will we do now?”

“I doubt know. Personally I’d like to have a little cry myself about now.” Melfina smiled a little. “But really we just have to cope with it.”

“It hurts so much,” she told him. “I don’t think I will ever let it go. Hilda saved me. I don’t think I could ever forget her or the things she has done. She saved me. I owe my life to her.”

“You don’t have to forget her, Mel,” Gene replied. “Just learn to forget the pain of letting her go and then start to focus on the good things about Hilda, your memories of her.”

Another moment of silence. Finally Melfina sat up and wiped away her tears from her eyes. She looked down at her lap and said, “I’m sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about this anymore. But thank you. I am feeling a lot better.”

Gene placed an arm around her in an awkward hug. “Don’t mind at all. I have to protect you now and will do anything to keep you safe.”

She smiled a little. “I’m tired, Gene. Will it be all right if I slept a little or do you want me to navigate the ship? I won’t mind. I can do it.”

Gene stood up and pointed an admonishing finger at her. “No, sleep. You look beat. Gilliam can handle things for an hour or two.”

“Okay.” Melfina laid down. “Good night.”

He moved to the door. “Good night, Mel.” And, stepping over the threshold, his tall figure disappeared into the hallway beyond. Melfina sighed, prayed for a brighter tomorrow, and soon slip into a dreamless space inside her sleep.

Minutes slipped into dragging hours. The young maiden inside the bedroom had long since fallen asleep yet he still continued to remain a lost shadow in the hallway, leaning against the black wall with his long bangs hiding his blacker frown. Lost in his bleak thoughts, devoured by his overwhelming rage and sorrow, Gene didn’t know how long he stay there, in the darkness, looking at nothing in particular, just trying to cope with things. With Hilda’s death.

She is dead. So? Did he have to care? Of course not. Hilda was someone he’d always knew known would have a violent dead. She would not have it any other way. She was an outlaw, dangerous, mysterious, and beautiful as hell. She wasn’t the one to settle down anywhere with anyone. She was wild, could not be trapped no matter what. This was what she wanted-to die in blazing glory, right? But so soon? Was that the plan? To desert them with no path ahead of them? Hilda, I wish I knew why.

Gene bit his lower lip, sudden tears flooding in his eyes, blurring his vision. He scowled and quickly straightened up, his spine as straight as a tree. Angrily he wiped the pathetic tears away. It is hopeless to shed tears for an outlaw, Hilda had told him that long ago on the night he spent with her. It was more like a command really.

“When I die don’t even think of crying for me, Gene. I’m an outlaw and don’t take to any grieving that might be meant for me kindly. I live dangerous and fight dangerously. One day I will die dangerous. That’s what it means to be an outlaw. Promise me, Gene, that you will let me go. It’s hopeless to shed tears for my kind.”

Gene turned suddenly and slammed his fist into the nearest wall, sending tremors up and down his arm at the mighty blow. His hand hurt but that pain only lasted for a second before turning into the comforting feeling of utter numbness. For a moment the arrant silence of the hallway was disturbed but it was quick to return on wings made for high speed.

Damn it, Hilda! His mind screamed out in rage. Why did you be so heartless? That was something I could never promise you.

The End L

Nicole: Sorry it’s so depressing.

home - back